Because He Lives

I'm totally digging the old hymns lately.  This morning I started singing the chorus to this one.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living just because He lives.

I know God must have put it in my head, because it was a hectic morning, trying to get the kids ready and to school on time.  Oh, and we had to make sure to bring their treats and valentines too, so I wasn't exactly in a music mindset.  I find that God puts songs in my head alot, especially when I'm going through something, so I've learned to just go with it!   My only question now is, "what so You want me to learn from this song, God?"

......And I just realized why this song is in my head.  Today is Valentine's Day.  My baby would have been 2 years old today.  I miscarried in 2009.  It was a surprise pregnancy, and from the beginning something just wasn't right.  I normally get sick, but I was so sick.  Then they couldn't find a heartbeat, or even a baby inside the sac, during the first ultrasound.  Then I had to have blood test after blood test to see if my hormone levels were increasing, which they were.  I was told everything seemed good, the first ultrasound had probably just been too early.  Finally, nine horendous, tortuous days after the first ultrasound, the miscarriage was confirmed.  It was something called a blighted ovum - I had no idea what this was, so the doctor explained it like this.  There was something chromosomally wrong with my baby, and my body knew it would either not survive birth or have so many birth defects, that it spontaneouly aborted it.  Naturally I was devastated.  I have very little memories from the rest of that year.  I have a hard time describing that time in my life, and not just because of the fog I was in.   It was so hard on my mind and body, but the hardest part was that I didn't really have closure.  Most times, when a person passes away, there is a funeral, a chance to say goodbye.  I didn't get that -- but I felt a bond with this baby that I didn't even know.  It was a part of me.  And I've always wished I could have put up a memorial, or done something to help me feel some closure.  I miss this baby that I never got the opportunity to know.  I love this baby that I never held in my arms.  I used to dream about him (I feel like it was a boy), about being able to rock him.  In my mind, and heart, I have 4 kids, not 3.

I know that God put this song in my head for a reason this morning.  It was to give me comfort and reassurance that this life isn't all there is.  I heard Francis Chan give a sermon one time about how very short our time on Earth really is.  To illustrate his point, he carried a long rope across the stage. The very tip was red, the rest was white. His point? The red tip is like our time on Earth -- short, especially in comparion to the white rope, eternity. And I know where I'm going to spend eternity.  That really puts this into perspective, doesn't it?  But what if Jesus, or God, didn't exist?  Can you imagine that?  When we died, that's all there is.  We would never see our loved ones again.  We would just be....gone.  How sad is that?  How final is that?  There would be no hope, nothing to look forward to.  Thank goodness that isn't the case!  My God is alive and well; my Jesus didn't stay dead, but rose again three days after being crucified.  He died on that cross so we can live forever with Him in Heaven.  Because He lives, I can face whatever tomorrow brings, and I can face the sadness from yesterday's memories -- Because He lives. 

So today I am sad.  Part of me will probably always be a little sad.  And that's ok.  In a way, being sad is a reminder that I haven't forgotten this baby.  I can, and do, take comfort in the chorus of this song, in knowing the because He lives, I can go on another day.  Most importantly, because He lives, my baby lives!  My baby is alive and well in Heaven.  I will meet him one day!  Until then, I like to imagine that my Mimi, my grandmother who passed away when I was 20, is taking care of him until I get there.  My Mimi has finally met one of her great grandchildren!  I can't be sad about that.  How many times have I wished she could know my kids, and see the Mom I've become?  So today I'll let myself be sad; I'll let myself think about what might have been.  But I'm going to stop thinking about my baby as not being alive.  Because it isn't true.  My baby is alive with Jesus.  And "an empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives."

~In loving memory of my sweet baby Bang.  Mommy loves you and can't wait to meet you one day.~